Dear Matt, I used to think that if something ever happened to you, I would literally die. Now I know that's not how it works. We first met in middle school in the Chicago suburbs. We knew each other simply as the friend of a friend. You were one of many classmates invited to my Bat Mitzvah when I was 13 years old. I used to have bonfires in my backyard and there's actually some long lost pictures of us standing on opposite sides. My best friend at the time and I used to call you "frenchain" to make fun of you for being a Chinese French Canadian, which we actually thought was pretty cool. I mean, you could speak three languages after all..... Years later, during our junior year of high school, your guy friends and my girlfriends merged together as a group. I remember a bunch of us went volunteering one day, and on the car ride home one of my girlfriends asked if I thought you were cute. I said something along the lines "um, kind of?" I hadn't really noticed, but after that day I started to pay more attention because everyone else seemed to really like you. I realized that yes, you were very cute, and actually smart and funny too. Then I quickly fell into a major crush. I remember traveling to Maui for spring break that year and during the trip I thought, "wow, I miss that guy. I think I really like him." I don't really remember when I fully realized it was mutual. There was the one time we were hanging out in a group and I put my head on your shoulder so we could look at the GIFY app together, which I literally didn't think was funny at all but pretended to just so we could talk. Then there was the time we watched the Dark Knight movies in my living room and you played with my hair, and afterwards my friend said "he TOTALLY likes you!" I also remember starting to look for excuses to hang out alone together. I would act like I wanted to go home from our friend's house and I'd ask you to take me, and then as soon as we got in the car I'd "change my mind" and ask if you wanted to drive around for a little. One day, the two of us were hanging out with a third friend at your house. It was getting late, and our other friend was saying he was ready to leave. I remember feeling SO nervous, but I determinedly announced that I was going to stay a little bit longer and have you drive me home later. That night we had our first kiss, laying on your bed. We were cuddling, and I looked up and kissed you on the cheek, so lightly that you later told me you literally weren't sure if it had actually happened or not. But right after that you decided to go in for a real kiss anyway. We would spend the next 3 years randomly re-enacting that innocent moment and laughing at our cautiousness with each other, which was so different from how comfortable and confident we became. The next day you told your guy friends about the kiss, and they FREAKED OUT. I remember them texting me all shocked and excited. I was a little bit embarrassed but mainly super proud. I spent the next three weeks agonizing over you asking me to be your girlfriend. For my birthday, my friends had you take me out on our first date so they could set up a surprise party for me. I remember being super disappointed when I found out because I thought you only took me on the date because they made you. Then we went on our first double date with Eric and Nicole (yay for the Double Date Crew!). I remember feeling so much pressure that night because we weren't even official and Eric and Nicole had been dating for years. Then one day at school, you and your friends stole my phone. I was a firm believer in not having a passcode on my phone, but after that day I realized how badly I needed one. (I ended up making my passcode the same as yours because it was the only one I knew, and we had both kept the same one ever since.) So, you and your friend read text messages between me and one of my girlfriends stating that I was dying for you to ask me out all ready. I was SO embarrassed and furious. The very next time we hung out alone, around 2am on May 17th 2014, you asked, "do you want to go out with me?" And of course I said "yes." Then you said, "so we're boyfriend and girlfriend?" And I was like "yeah!" The next day we went frisbee golfing with some friends. I embarrassed myself not only be being horrible at the game, but also by slipping in a pile of mud and covering the back of my pants completely in a brown poop-like stain. I was mortified and I even felt bad for you because you had only just committed to being my boyfriend. In the days afterward I tried to be super casual about our relationship, but I really just wanted to show you off to everyone at school. After three weeks I couldn't stand it anymore and I forced you to make it Facebook official; I uploaded some pictures of us, made the request on my account, and then accepted it myself on your account😂. About one month later, you told me you loved me. It will always be one of my favorite memories of all time. You were SO nervous. You paused the TV and spent about 15 dramatic minutes saying, "I want to tell you something, but you have to PROMISE not to laugh." You squeezed my face with your hands and said, "Seriously, PROMISE me you won't laugh." And then, after I promised several times, you finally said "I love you." I immediately said "I love you too," and you were so relieved. We laughed about it and agreed that we'd been wanting to say it for a while because it felt so natural. The next day I knew you were bored at summer school, and we had the following conversation over text message: Me: "Matt." You: "Yeah?" Me: "I just wanted to remind you that I love you." You: "I actually just smiled. You have no idea how happy that made me." Then I became super clingy, super fast. The only time we'd ever fight was when I felt like I wasn't getting enough attention or PDA from you, or when I was jealous about you hanging out with anyone who wasn't me 😂 I was also super worried because about 2 months into our relationship I was signed up to go on a 3 week trip to Ecuador. I wasn't going to have phone access, and were both freaking out about not being able to talk. We would literally hang out every possible moment leading up to that trip. Because of that, I got into my first really big fight with my mom. I had gone to a concert with friends and decided that I wanted to sleepover at your house after, which was a big no-no with my mom. She caught me in a big lie and it was the first and only time she told me she couldn't trust me. I hardly cared at all because I was just completely obsessed with you and so upset that I wasn't going to see you for so long. When it was actually time to go on the trip, I memorized your phone number so that I could call you on a pay phone if I ever got the chance. You gave me an old t-shirt and doused it in your cologne so that I could sleep with it every night (That was the beginning of my tendency to steal clothes from you, by the way). While I was gone, you snap chatted me every single day telling me how much you missed me. The result was that when I landed back in the U.S. I had hundreds of seconds of snapchats from you. Opening them literally melted my heart and made me cry at the airport. That same summer, my family also went on a long trip to San Diego. At some point during the trip, I made up my mind that I wanted you to visit me. You had never been on a plane before and you thought there was no way you could convince your parents to let you come. After begging your mom and searching for hours for the cheapest flight possible, we somehow made it happen. It was the first of many times we would make impossible things happen together. You had your very first plane ride and we got to be in my favorite place in the world together. Neither of us could have guessed that we'd be living there together some day. We always knew that I was going to go to college in San Diego and you in Montreal. We agreed early on that once we left for school we would have to break up. There was no way long distance would work, and we just accepted it from the start. Then, senior year of high school started and it was a wild ride for us. I started hanging out with you every day after school, while hanging out with my girlfriends less and less. You weren't really interested in hanging out with them anymore, and I literally only cared about being with you. I had never been in love before and I was obsessed with the feeling. As a result of this unhealthy pattern, my girlfriends staged an intervention and asked me to work on my relationships with both you and them. I remember feeling very attacked and offended, and I basically told them that if I lost them as friends I would just make new ones in college anyway. Naturally, they stopped inviting me to things. I started eating my lunch in my car and avoiding them at all costs. While I'll always be embarrassed by my behavior in that situation, I'll never regret it because it taught me a huge lesson about friendship that has allowed me to make really strong friendships ever since, and at the time it also allowed you to become my absolute best friend. This also gave me the opportunity to become even closer with your best friend Eric and his girlfriend Nicole. The four of us went on tons of double dates, watched scary movies together, and even went on a Spring Break trip to the Mall of America together. During that time I also got to become closer with your older sister Hadallia and her boyfriend Bernie. We played extremely complicated board games that I could barely understand, but I loved how competitive you were and it was fun to be around such smart people. That year we also went on plenty of awesome dates, such as visiting all the museums in downtown Chicago. We had many nights of binge watching tv shows and then breaking my strict curfew, which we thought was incredibly dumb. We'd fall asleep together and set an alarm for 3am so you could quietly drop me back off at home. Our one year anniversary landed on prom weekend, which I thought was super cool. We had an amazing prom and got to celebrate with our friends at a lake house. However, we knew that with graduation coming up soon, so was college and our inevitable separation. Sometime around then you found out that your parents were going to separate, and it was one of the only times I ever saw you truly mad and sad. I felt honored that you were sharing those difficult emotions with me and that I could be there to comfort you. Then, because of your unique new family situation, we discovered your mom would actually be moving to San Diego (which was a HUGE blessing in disguise!). So, when my family went on our annual summer trip to California you were once again allowed to join us so that you could visit your mom there. We lucked out big time with our vacations there. When we flew back to the Chicagoland area, we had to wrap up what we thought would be our last couple of weeks as a couple. We cherished every moment we had, and then it was time to pack up your house for the big move to Canada. During the move was the first time I ever really talked to your sister Mielah. I helped you two and your dad completely empty the place and jam all your belongings in a trailer. I remember how it completely broke my heart to walk away from that house for the last time. You guys then spent some time in a nearby hotel and I remember we played board games there, counting down your final days in Chicago. Then it was time for the road trip. Together we drove 17 hours from Chicago to Montreal. I remember being super annoyed because you couldn't trust me to drive more than an hour at a time since I wasn't as fast as you. I also remembering suffering through your rap music and then making you listen to my musical soundtracks while we ate tons of fast food. Sometime between then and now our music tastes totally changed and blended together, which I find super funny. When we finally arrived I got to meet your grandparents and your kitty for the first time, and I got to live there with you for maybe 10 days. I did a lot of research and made an itinerary for us because I was determined explore all of Montreal together. We got to go on cool hikes, legally go to bars and force ourselves to sip beer, visit the botanic gardens, and see the most amazing firework show I will ever see in my life. After a while you begged me to stop planning things so we could just enjoy our last couple of days together. Finally, the day came for you to take me to the airport so I could fly back to Chicago. We both cried so much. I remember walking through the airport thinking "oh my god. I'm single now." It felt so awful, I felt sick to my stomach. The next morning I was scheduled to work, and before my shift even started I had a panic attack because I missed you so much. They literally had to get a sub for me and send me home because I couldn't stop crying. Of course, we still talked 24/7 and we agreed to keep saying "I love you" until it felt more natural to stop. Then, college started for both of us. We started to have completely separate lives in different countries, but we never stopped talking. I knew you were still my best friend. Even so, I looked at all the new guys around me and began searching for a new boyfriend. However, I went on one date with one boy and completely broke down crying afterward because I felt like I was cheating on you. I missed you so much it hurt; I wanted to share every memory I made with my new college friends with you. I felt your absence every single second, and I was jealous of all the other freshman around me who still got to be with their boyfriends from high school. When winter break finally came around and we both went back to Chicago, I was beyond excited to see you. We arranged for you to stay at my house since your old house had been sold, but still we insisted to ourselves that we were just friends. We thought you might even stay in a separate bedroom from me, but we were totally kidding ourselves. We went right back to acting like a couple while continuing to tell everyone that we weren't getting back together. When winter break ended and we started school again, my friends could see how upset I was. They suggested I try to stop talking to you so much because it was the only way to move on. Around that time you started to have a crush on another girl, and I was absolutely FURIOUS. I found out right before going to a formal sorority dance, and it completely ruined the night for me. You still have the pictures on your phone that my friends took of me all dressed up and crying about you that night. I had never hated any of your ex-girlfriends before, but to this day I still hate that random Canadian girl who you were starting to have feelings for. Thankfully, nothing ever came of it. Then, when you had spring break, you spontaneously decided to come to San Diego to "visit your mom." You said that since I wanted to get over you so badly, we didn't need to see each other when you were in town. Of course, I told you that that was absolutely crazy and I began to lose my mind with the excitement of seeing you. That trip was the first time you ever spent time at UCSD and got to meet my new college friends. It was also when I decided I officially wanted to try long distance with you. However, you were worried I was going to change my mind and you refused to make our relationship official again, even though I literally begged you. We decided to have sort of a "trial run" with the long distance thing, and then if I still felt the same way when you came back over the summer, we would make it official. Even though the long distance was hard, knowing that I could tell you how much I loved you again made me so happy. Everything in my life just felt so much brighter because I felt like I was sharing it with you again. When you came back that summer we got to live together for 4 months in my family's new condo, and our relationship became stronger than ever. For the first time ever I got to bring you as my date to a sorority formal. You helped my family decorate and furnish our condo. We got to visit Los Angeles, go camping in Joshua Tree, see a meteor shower at the top of a mountain, do a moonlight hike, visit Eric and Nicole in Arizona, binge watch Game of Thrones and That 70's Show, and eat out at a million different restaurants. A couple weeks before your school started again, we flew back to Montreal together. You had moved to a new house since the last time I had been there, and I was so excited to finally see it. When I saw your man-cave of a bedroom, I totally lost my mind. We completely rearranged the room and cleaned it up, and then we decorated the walls with a 1,000 piece puzzle and some drawings from a coloring book. One of those drawings I asked you to sign as a gift to me, and you'd be really surprised to know that I now have that handwriting tattooed on my ribs. We once again got to travel all around Montreal and even visit Old Quebec with your dad. I got to meet your aunt, uncle and cousins, and suffered through hours of French and Chinese conversation that I completely couldn't understand. During that trip we also had our biggest fight ever. It lasted about 3 days, and for one of those days I refused to talk to you completely. You patiently asked me over and over again if I was ready to talk yet, until I finally caved. I could tell how miserable you really were there, and me being the selfish person I am, I felt it was justified for you to talk to your family about transferring schools and moving to San Diego to be with me. We hadn't really experienced the reality of our long distance relationship yet, and I was terrified at the thought of leaving you. However, you being the selfless person you were, you refused to bring up the conversation with them at all. Your sisters had both gone to school in Montreal, and you felt like it was your duty to be there and to take care of your dad and grandparents. I was so, so, so upset, but I ultimately had to respect and support your decision. So, when I flew back to school, the long distance really started. There was a three hour time difference. Our dates turned in to Skype dates, and we would binge watch our shows together that way. We would even send each other surprise gifts through Amazon. Every day I missed you, but I knew 100% it was worth it. We planned everything out way in advance, so that we never had to go more than about 8 weeks without seeing each other. I would fly out to you on your birthday weekend, you would fly here for Thanksgiving, we'd meet in Chicago for Winter Break, etc. It honestly was so hard missing each other, but we made it work and really believed we could handle that kind of relationship until graduation. Then, that winter break everything changed for us. 2 days before you were supposed to go back to Montreal, your parents realized the extent of your failing grades at school. At first we all worked together to come up with a plan to help you do better, but we all knew that the school was the problem, not your intelligence. Then we acknowledged how unhappy you really were there, and we had a serious conversation about possibly transferring you to a better school in San Diego. The next day you prolonged your stay in Chicago and we all researched options for you. After a period of about 3 days, you ended up dropping out of your old school, enrolling in a new school, and making plans for you and your dad to move out to San Diego. That entire time period was exciting, shocking, and anxiety inducing for us. We thought it was literally too good to be true; we were both completely giddy about it. Everything I had dreamed of happening for the past year seemed like it was about to become a reality, but I kept waiting for something to go wrong. We had to separate for about 10 days so that you could move out and drive down to San Diego while I went back to school. I was on the brink of exploding the entire time because it couldn't feel real until I was finally with you in San Diego again. The last leg of your drive to San Diego was about 15 hours long. After you finally arrived at your mom's house, you took a short break and then drove an additional 40 minutes to spend the night with me. Seeing you then was one of the happiest moments in my entire life. I literally felt like my life was perfect. I was in my favorite place in the world with my favorite person in the world. Those last couple months of our relationship living in San Diego together were by far the best ever. During that time we grew closer than ever before. I moved out of my on campus apartment and into my family's nearby condo. You lived there with me on most days, but we generally went back and forth between our two homes as if the 40 minute commute was nothing. We grew into a pattern of cooking together and doing chores together, studying together, workout out together, and sleeping together most nights. We never ran out of things to talk about, and we were constantly laughing and annoying each other. You talked me through times of particularly high stress and anxiety and kept me safe. We liked and disliked all the same people, and we helped each other form social and political views. We became really solid partners, and it was the first time we were ever able to really imagine and plan for a future together. We knew we were going to get married and we knew exactly how many kids we wanted to have. We talked about the kind of house we wanted to live in, the cars we were going to get, the travels we were going to take, and the pets we were going to raise together. We had thousands of common goals in mind, and if either one of us decided we wanted to do something, the other one always got on board. On top of that, during the last couple of months we both started to become better people because of our influence on each other. We went on a health and fitness journey together in which we motivated each other but were also each other's biggest weakness and excuse. You also generally told me I was the most selfish person you knew, in a completely serious but loving way. Even though you constantly spoiled me and encouraged my princess-like demands, you were also teaching me how to be kinder and to genuinely consider how my decisions affected other people. You also helped me majorly step out of my comfort zone those last few months, from trying a ton of new food to getting me to drive long distances again after I had been in a bad car crash. On the other hand, you were the most selfless person I knew, and I was determined to make you more selfish. I helped you learn how to speak up for what you wanted and to not always take the worst end of every deal. It sounds stupid, but whenever you would choose to do something "selfish," like take the best slice of pizza or spend a couple more hours watching your own show, I would genuinely be so proud and happy for you. In a small way I think I also helped you start to actively chase your goals in a way that I had never seen you do before, just by believing in you 100%. You got your first real job, you started learning new programming languages, you were investing in the stock market, you were getting all A's in school, and you started to stop caring too much about what other people thought of you. I was seriously so proud of the ways we were growing together, and I was thankful for you every second. I cannot emphasize enough the positive influence you had on me, Matt. What started as a very needy and clingy relationship on my part became much healthier over the years because of the confidence you gave me. You showed me what real love is, and I am so grateful that we got to experience something so wild, mature, and passionate together. You literally redefined happiness for me, and then you went above and beyond to constantly surprise me, spend extra time with me, and make me smile. I always have and always will admire your positivity, strength, and ability to love. As we celebrated our third year anniversary a couple weeks ago, we talked about how thankful we were and how excited we were for the future. You were so happy and thankful for the longboard I gave you that night. There was no way for us to know that the next day you would fall off of it so very badly, instantly ending everything for us. I don't think I will ever be able to understand why you were taken away from me so suddenly and traumatically that day. I can't grasp the idea of never talking to you or hugging you again. I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to move forward and have a life without you; You were my family, home, and the biggest part of my identity. I can't comprehend why you haven't come home to comfort me yet. I will never not be angry that when I got to your house that day, you weren't there. I will never get over the fact that my best friend and one of my soulmates just isn't here anymore. I am devastated by the loss of our future together. I am shocked that such a wonderful, gift of a person was taken away from this earth. I just haven't figured out yet how it's possible to accept my worst possible nightmare coming true. I miss you every single second, like I have never missed you before. We only had 3 years together and we were supposed to have decades. I love you now as much as I have ever loved you, and you know that I always will.
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